Breaking the Cycle of People Pleasing
You might be asking yourself, “Why should I stop people pleasing? Isn’t it about being kind and helpful?” While helping others is a wonderful trait, people pleasing often comes at a significant emotional cost. As mentioned in my previous post, “Are You A People Pleaser?”, one of the most common consequences of being a people pleaser is resentment, a feeling that builds over time as your needs are repeatedly sidelined.
Resentment isn’t the only reason to consider breaking free from people-pleasing patterns. Below, we’ll explore why it’s worth letting go of this habit and provide actionable strategies to help you begin the process.
~ To Reduce Anxiety and Stress
People pleasing can be emotionally exhausting. When you’re constantly seeking others’ approval, it creates a cycle of stress and anxiety. Why? Because people’s approval is unpredictable. It often depends on their mood, perspective or expectations, which are out of your control.
Additionally, when you try to make everyone happy, you’re likely to encounter conflicting opinions. Pleasing one person might upset another, leaving you stuck in a no-win situation. The result? More stress and frustration. By stepping away from people-pleasing behaviors, you allow yourself to prioritize your own peace of mind over the impossible task of pleasing everyone.
~ To be Your Authentic Self
When you hide your true thoughts, feelings or preferences to avoid conflict or gain approval, you’re presenting a version of yourself that isn’t entirely real. Over time, this “mask” can create misunderstandings about who you truly are.
More importantly, consistently hiding your true self can lead to an internal identity crisis. If you’ve spent years suppressing your needs, you might start to lose touch with what you genuinely want or value. By breaking the cycle of people pleasing, you give yourself permission to show up authentically and build deeper, more genuine connections with others.
~ To Improve Your Self-Esteem
At first, it might seem counterintuitive, but stepping away from people pleasing can do wonders for your self-esteem. When you stop seeking validation from others, you create space to recognize your own worth.
True confidence comes from within, not from external approval. By setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs, you’ll naturally begin to attract people who appreciate you for who you are and not for what you can do for them. This shift can strengthen your sense of self-worth and help you build healthier relationships.
How to Stop People Pleasing
Breaking the habit of people pleasing is challenging, especially if it’s deeply ingrained. It often requires time, patience, and self-reflection. At times, seeking a professional therapist is necessary. Below are some strategies to help you begin this transformative journey:
~ Increase Your Self-Awareness
Awareness is the first step to change. As I often tell my clients, “You can’t change what you don’t recognize.” Start by observing your behaviors and the situations that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies.
Ask yourself:
- Are there specific people or scenarios where you feel compelled to please?
- What motivates you to agree or comply? Is it fear of rejection? A desire for approval?
- How do you feel after you’ve said yes to something you didn’t want to do?
Journaling can be a helpful tool to track these patterns and gain insight into your triggers. Once you’re aware of these tendencies, you can begin to address them.
~ Reframe Your Beliefs About Boundaries
Many people pleasers struggle with boundaries because they fear being perceived as selfish or unkind. However, setting boundaries is neither selfish nor mean. It’s an act of self-respect.
Think of boundaries as a way to protect your energy and ensure you have the capacity to show up fully for the people and commitments that matter most. When you say no to something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying yes to your well-being.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
~ Prentis Hemphill
~ Give Yourself Space
One of the easiest ways to break the cycle is to pause before agreeing to any request. When someone asks for your time, help or resources, resist the urge to give an immediate answer. Instead, practice saying, “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.”
This small pause allows you to reflect on your true feelings. Ask yourself:
- Am I agreeing because I genuinely want to or because I’m afraid of disappointing them?
- Does this align with my priorities, energy and schedule?
Giving yourself space to evaluate your decisions helps you respond with intention rather than reflex. Just remember to follow up with an answer. Avoiding a response entirely can perpetuate feelings of guilt and indecision.
~ Start Small
Breaking the cycle of people pleasing can feel overwhelming, so it’s important to start with manageable changes. Begin by saying no to smaller, less intimidating requests. For example:
- If you don’t feel like going out for Italian food, suggest another option.
- If a friend asks you to do a favor that doesn’t work for you, politely decline.
As you practice asserting yourself in these smaller situations, you’ll build the confidence to set boundaries in more significant areas of your life. Over time, saying no will feel less uncomfortable and more empowering.
~ Practice Self-Compassion
Changing deeply ingrained habits takes time and it’s normal to stumble along the way. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories, such as saying no or setting a boundary.
Remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize your needs. Your worth isn’t determined by how much you do for others. It’s inherent and unconditional.
~ Seek Professional Help
For many, people pleasing is rooted in deeper emotional wounds, such as childhood trauma, fear of abandonment or low self-esteem. If you find it challenging to break free from these patterns on your own, working with a therapist can provide valuable support.
Therapy offers a safe space to explore the underlying causes of your people-pleasing behaviors and develop healthier coping mechanisms. A therapist can also help you navigate feelings of guilt or discomfort as you begin to assert yourself.
What Happens When You Stop People Pleasing?
Letting go of people-pleasing behaviors can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve built your identity around being agreeable and accommodating. However, the rewards of breaking this cycle far outweigh the initial discomfort.
Here’s what you can expect as you embrace this change:
- Improved Mental Health: By reducing the anxiety and stress that come with seeking approval, you’ll likely feel calmer and more at peace.
- Stronger Relationships: Authenticity fosters deeper connections. When you show up as your true self, you’ll attract people who value and respect you for who you are.
- Greater Self-Esteem: As you stop relying on external validation, you’ll begin to trust your own judgment and recognize your inherent worth.
- More Time and Energy: By saying no to what doesn’t serve you, you’ll have more resources to invest in the people and activities that truly matter.
Breaking the cycle of people pleasing isn’t easy, but it’s one of the most empowering steps you can take toward living a more authentic, fulfilling life. Start small, stay patient with yourself and remember: setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re unkind, it means you’re valuing yourself as much as you value others.
Judy Wang is a Licensed Clinical Profession Counselor in Maryland, a Clinical Professional Counselor in Nevada, a Telehealth Registered Professional Counselor in South Carolina and a Mental Health Counselor in Washington State. She works with those who struggle to stop people pleasing and work through the anxiety. In addition, she helps people break free of OCD and put leave behind their trauma. If you’re a teenager or adult, please reach out for more information on how to get started.