Living with Purpose: An ACT Approach to Unhooking from Struggles
Every day we experience a constant flow of thoughts and feelings. Your thoughts and feelings are important aspects of who you are as a person. But what happens when those thoughts and feelings seem to take over, pulling us away from the person we want to be and living with purpose?
It’s easy to feel stuck, overwhelmed or even defeated when your mind feels like it’s working against you. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay hooked. Learning to unhook from difficult thoughts and emotions can give you the freedom to live with greater clarity and purpose.
What Does it Mean to be Hooked?
Being “hooked” means getting caught up in unhelpful thoughts and feelings that dictate your behavior, often in ways that lead you away from your goals or values. These thoughts can act like a powerful current, dragging you along and pulling you off course.
Maybe you’ve found yourself ruminating over the past by rehashing mistakes, regretting decisions or rewriting how things “should” have gone. Or perhaps you’ve been paralyzed by worries about the future and imagining all the ways things could go wrong. These mental loops are exhausting and lead to avoidance and away from living with purpose.
Feelings can hook us too. Have you ever avoided a conversation because it felt too uncomfortable, numbed out to avoid sadness or lashed out in anger? If you have, then you’ve been hooked by the pull of your emotions taking control.
Common Ways We Get Hooked
Here are some ways you can get hooked by your thoughts or feelings:
- Ruminating about the past
This involves dwelling on things that went wrong or wishing you had done things differently. Although thinking about these things may seem productive, it’s actually preventing you from moving forward. As you relive these old mistakes, it reinforces feelings of regret and inadequacy.
- What if-ing the future
We’ve all been there. You worry about something happening or not happening; anticipating all the things that could go wrong which means you don’t do anything but feel more anxious. Thus, making it harder for you to be present and take proactive action.
- Reinforcing negative core beliefs
These are the maladaptive thoughts that you have about yourself. “I’m not good enough,” “I can’t do it” or “I’m unlovable.” These beliefs are often self-fulfilling prophesies influencing the decisions you make or don’t make.
- Reacting to Overwhelming Emotions
Feelings like anxiety, fear and anger can be overwhelming. Without the tools to manage the intensity of these emotions, it can become too much to handle. This can lead to avoiding, withdrawing or acting impulsively.
- Thinking of excuses
There are many reasons to be given as to why you do or don’t do something. Whatever these reasons are, they actually keep you from doing things that are important. Excuses can be valid but where do they take you? You want to have a better relationship with your partner but the excuse is I’m too tired. You want to make new friends but the reason you don’t is because you’re shy. These excuses hook you into inaction and away from living with purpose.
Why Do We Get Hooked?
The human brain is wired for survival and part of that means constantly scanning for threats. In modern life, these “threats” often show up as thoughts or feelings that our mind perceives as problems to solve. But not all thoughts and feelings need to be acted upon.
Our mind’s job is to think. It generates thousands of thoughts daily, some helpful and others not. The problem arises when we treat every thought as fact or allow fleeting emotions and choose to allow them to dictate our actions.
The Cost of Staying Hooked
When we stay hooked on unhelpful thoughts or emotions, it often comes at a significant cost:
1. We Lose Time and Energy:
Ruminating or worrying can drain your mental resources. It leaves you exhausted and unproductive. Often times whatever we were ruminating on becomes a lot bigger than when we started.
2. We have Strained Relationships:
Avoiding or reacting impulsively to emotions can create tension in relationships. By avoiding emotions, you create emotional distance in a relationship. By acting impulsively, you can create a chaotic environment for your partner.
3. We Miss Opportunities
Fear and self-doubt can hold you back from pursuing your goals or dreams. In addition, it prevents you from trying new things and taking risks.
4. We Move Away from Living with Purpose
When hooked, you may act in ways that doesn’t align with your core values. It may actually take you away from your values and living with purpose, which leads to regret or dissatisfaction.
Awareness Leads to Living with Purpose
Unhooking starts with awareness. Before you can change the way you respond to thoughts and feelings, you need to recognize when they’re controlling you. This might sound simple, but it’s often easier said than done.
Start by paying attention to moments when you feel stuck, overwhelmed or unproductive. Ask yourself:
- What thoughts or feelings are driving my actions right now?
- Are these thoughts helping me move closer to living with purpose or pulling me further away?
Awareness helps you see the hook for what it is-just a thought or feeling. Not a fact or command.
Building this self-awareness takes practice, but it creates the foundation for unhooking. Over time, you’ll begin to notice these moments more quickly and create space to choose how you respond.
Unhook from Thoughts and Feelings
Unhooking doesn’t mean eliminating negative thoughts or avoiding difficult feelings. It’s about creating space for you to experience these internal thoughts and feelings so that they no longer have control over your actions.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers practical strategies to help you unhook and move forward towards living with purpose.
1. Defusion: Creating Space from Thoughts
Defusion means stepping back and seeing your thoughts for what they are: just thoughts. Instead of treating them as facts, you learn to observe them with curiosity and not let them dictate your actions.
Try this exercise:
When you notice a negative thought, add the phrase “I’m having the thought that…” before it. For example, instead of saying, “I’m not good enough,” reframe it as, “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough.” This small shift helps you see the thought as a mental event and not a truth.
2. Expansion: Making Room for Feelings
Rather than fighting or avoiding difficult emotions, expansion encourages you to make room for them. Picture your feelings as waves—they come and go like the waves on a beach.
Here’s how to practice:
When a strong emotion arises, pause and take a deep breath. Acknowledge and name the feeling without judgment. For example, I’m noticing anxiety or I’m having a feeling of sadness. Allow the emotion to be there without trying to change or suppress it.
3. Acceptance: Letting Thoughts and Feelings be Present
Acceptance takes this one step further. It’s not about agreeing with or believing your thought. It’s about acknowledging their presence without letting them dictate your actions so that you’re not living with purpose.
For example, you might have a thought like, “I’ll never be good enough.” Acceptance doesn’t mean you accept this thought as true. Instead, it means recognizing that the thought is there and allowing it to exist without resistance. You don’t have to fight it, fix it or dwell on it.
Think of your thoughts and feelings as passengers on a bus you’re driving. They’re allowed to come along for the ride, but they don’t get to control where you go. By practicing acceptance, you create space to keep moving forward towards living with purpose even when difficult emotions or thoughts are present.
Here’s how to practice:
Leaves on a Stream (also available on YouTube)
Sit or lie down in a quiet place. If you’re comfortable, close your eyes. Visualize a gentle stream with water flowing steadily and leaves floating downstream. Notice your thoughts and feelings and for every one of them, imagine placing them of a leaf and watching it float down the stream. Spend a few minutes observing the stream, placing the thoughts and feelings on the leaves. When you’re ready, you can open your eyes and bring your attention back to your surroundings.
4. Anchoring: Grounding in the Present
Anchoring helps you reconnect with the present moment, reducing the power of intrusive thoughts or overwhelming feelings.
Try this grounding exercise:
Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. The more specific you are, the more grounding the exercise becomes. This simple practice can bring you back to the here and now, breaking the cycle of rumination or worry.
Living with Purpose - in Alignment with Your Values
Unhooking isn’t just about letting go. It’s about moving towards what matters most. Taking time to clarify your values can give you a compass to guide your actions. Even when thoughts and feelings try to pull you off course, your values can lead you back on track so that you’re living with purpose.
There are generally 5 main areas of your life: Family (intimate relationships), Friends, Health, Career and Spiritual. For each of these areas, ask yourself
- What kind of person do I want to be?
- What do I want to stand for or be known for in these areas?
- What small actions can I take today that align with those values?
For example, if you value connection, reaching out to a friend might feel scary but meaningful. If you value growth, stepping outside your comfort zone might bring discomfort but also fulfillment. If you value living a healthy lifestyle, choosing to prepare a nutritious meal or go for a walk (or go to the gym) might feel inconvenient but is ultimately rewarding and energizing.
The Role of Self-Compassion
Some people may have a negative connotation with the word self-compassion. Think of it this way: If you’re going through a hard time in your life, would you want a friend who tells you to shut up and stop whining? Or would you want a friend that empathizes with what you’re going through? Most people will choose the second friend over the first one.
As you practice unhooking, it’s essential to be kind to be that second friend to yourself. Know that you will get hooked. It’s part of being human and what you’ve habitually been doing in your life. The goal isn’t perfection but progress.
When you notice yourself getting hooked, try saying:
- “It’s okay to feel this way.”
- “I’m doing the best I can.”
- “I can choose to refocus on what matters.”
Self-compassion creates a safe space for growth and allows you to move forward without shame or self-criticism. This is part of living with purpose.
When to Seek Support
If unhooking feels overwhelming or if your thoughts and feelings significantly impact your daily life, therapy can be a powerful tool. As a trained therapist, I can help you:
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- Identify patterns of getting hooked.
- Develop personalized strategies for unhooking.
- Explore the deeper “why” behind your thoughts and feelings.
Therapy isn’t about fixing you. It’s about empowering you to navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and confidence.
A Final Thought: You Are Not Your Thoughts
Your thoughts and feelings don’t define you. They’re simply a part of your experience, like clouds passing through the sky. By learning to unhook, you can create space for meaningful action and living with purpose.
It’s not about getting rid of difficult thoughts or feelings. It’s learning to live alongside them while staying true to who you are and what you value. You have the tools to move forward. It starts with awareness, acceptance and a commitment to the life you want to create.
Thoughts and feelings aren’t the problem. It’s what you do with those thoughts and feelings when you experience them. You can choose to try to run away from them, you can choose to get hooked by them or you can choose to allow them to come and go without a care.
Judy Wang, LCPC, CPC offers telehealth therapy sessions in Nevada, Maryland and South Carolina. She sees adults and teenagers struggling with trauma, OCD and all forms of anxiety.