Anxiety in Romantic Relationships
Anxiety impacts all aspects of a person’s life. To be clear, some amounts of anxiety is common in life but when it takes over, that’s when it may be time to seek a therapist for help. If you find that anxiety is taking over your life, please contact me to see how I may be able to help you.
Anxiety in Romantic Relationships
At the start of any potential romantic relationship there is usually a healthy dose of anxiety. Going on a date or just for drinks can stir up excitement in meeting someone who could be your marriage partner. And wanting to present your best self also adds to the anxiety but after a certain while of getting to know each other, the anxiety will usually decrease. It’s when it doesn’t decrease or there are periods of high anxiety that it can become concerning.
What does anxiety in romantic relationships look like?
Anxiety in romantic relationships can be filled with ups and downs where there are times of high levels of anxiety along with periods of milder anxiety. Those times when anxiety is high are often triggered by something that happened or didn’t happen. It leads to questions of whether your partner loves you, whether you did something wrong, whether you are good enough, whether you should be feeling upset about what your partner said or did and if you should address it and the so forth. It’s an endless cycle of doubting yourself and questioning your worth.
People with anxiety can be seen as people pleasers that need a lot of reassurance. You’re good at knowing and meeting your partner’s needs and wants while putting your own needs and wants on the back burner. In the beginning of the romantic relationship, you may defer to your partner’s interests and agree with their opinion on things that you may normally not agree with. As the relationship progresses but the need for reassurance from your partner does not go away, the anxiety continues. Again, those questions come back up in the form of whether your partner is cheating on you, still loves you, etc.
How does it develop? The anxious attachment style
Although there are four attachment styles, we’ll be focusing on the anxious attachment style. Someone who has an anxious attachment style may struggle to feel secure in their romantic relationships. This attachment style generally develops in childhood but can also change through experiencing relationships. For example, you can have a secure attachment but after a very traumatic romantic relationship filled with verbal abuse or infidelity, you can transition to an anxious attachment.
An anxious attachment style develops in childhood when the caregiver is inconsistent in the care they provide. A parent can be very attentive to the needs of a child but then later be dismissive of the child’s needs. It’s the inconsistency that builds the anxiousness of not knowing what to expect or the reason for getting the different type of interaction from the caregiver.
As a side note, people with an anxious attachment style generally do not do well being in relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style.
What can you do about anxiety in romantic relationships?
The first step is awareness. When you become aware that you have an unhealthy amount of anxiety when in a romantic relationship, you can take steps to address it and break the pattern. When anxiety rears its head, try to take steps to calm down through coping skills or activities that help calm you down. Then try to capture your thoughts. You can do this through journaling but something that takes your thoughts out of your head so that you’re not internally spiraling down the rabbit hole. You can also try to reframe or change your thoughts and thought patterns as a way of working on your low self-worth.
Sometime these anxieties can lead to severe relationship or personal distress and impact other areas of life such as work or school. It may mean that you’ve become obsessed with finding answers to those doubts and worries. This may mean it’s time to consider professional help. You can connect me to get started.
Judy Wang, LCPC, CPC provides online therapy session in Maryland and Nevada. She works with individuals struggling with anxiety, OCD and trauma.