Who hasn’t ever said “yes” to something when they wanted to say “no”? I know I have, more times than I’d like to admit. It’s easy to do but is it healthy? Just look at the words people pleaser, you want to make someone feel happy or pleased with you but you don’t take into account the possible negative impact it has on you.
What does people pleasing mean?
In essence, people pleasing means you agree to something when you don’t want to. It’s when the external action does not match up with the internal desire or thought. When people pleasing becomes the norm, it can affect your mental health and your relationships. In addition, it can cause anxiety or the worsening of anxiety symptoms.
What does a people pleaser look like?.
Here are some signs of people pleaser behaviors. Do you relate to any of them?
- Difficulty saying no
This happens when you agree to things when you really want to say no. Sometimes it’s automatic, like an impulse but afterwards you question why you agreed to it. Lots of times, it’s just not wanting to feel bad because you said no or have to deal with the anxiety of saying no. This may be learned from childhood, when you weren’t allowed to say no or when there were negative consequences for saying no.
- Needing approval
This is when you want to get validation or approval from others. It can be because you struggle with low self-esteem and want others to think you are a good person or a good partner. And you believe that by agreeing to things, it will make others see you in a positive light but it’s detrimental to your mental health and misleading in your relationships. It’s like saying your opinion doesn’t matter further hurting your self-esteem.
- Avoiding conflict
Your goal is to avoid conflict or disagreements because it gives you anxiety. Maybe you’ve had bad experiences with disagreements and conflicts in the past. You’ve learned to just go along and not rock the boat so that no one yells at you. First of all, if someone yells at you for disagreeing with them, that’s just not a safe person to be around no matter who they are in relation to you. And avoiding conflict means you don’t get your needs met.
- Overcommitting
You’re feeling fatigued because you have a packed schedule from making excessive promises to do things that you don’t want to do. Sometimes, you may even be taking responsibility for something that is not your responsibility because you’re afraid of somehow disappointing people. You may volunteer to take on tasks or not say no to tasks and now you feel overwhelmed.
- Putting others first
You don’t want to appear selfish and therefore put the needs and wants of other people before you own needs. You prioritize others while neglecting yourself, leading to burnout. Airlines tell you, in case of an emergency, when those oxygen masks comes down, put your mask on first and then help others. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to sustain the energy to help others.
- Fearing rejection
You’re afraid you won’t be accepted or like by others and therefore agree to do things for others. Everyone wants to be like but it’s better if you’re like because of who you are versus what you do or don’t do for people.
- Excessively apologizing
You apologize for things that aren’t your fault or in situations where there is no need to apologize. For example, you apologize when someone looking at their phone bumps into you as you’re waiting in line. There is no reason to apologize for this and in fact, the other person should be apologizing. Saying sorry all the time actually cheapens your sincere apologies.
- Feeling underappreciated
The truth is, you’re probably underappreciated by others. If you say yes or agree to things most, if not all of the time, people will continue to ask of you. On some level, they may come to a narrative and start to assume that you’re readily available to do their bidding. Where it’s a given that yes, you are able to do whatever they ask and asking is optional.
- Feeling resentful
When you’re always doing things for people and feeling exhausted, you’ll start to feel resentful. You may start to question why others don’t see what you’re going through and doing for them. This may be a breaking point for you but it may leave others confused because of the pattern of people pleasing they’re use to from you. When you’ve reached the point of feeling resentment, that’s when things can start to turn bad.
Breaking the cycle of being a people pleaser can take time and be difficult. Sometimes professional help is need to address those underlying issues.
Judy Wang, LCPC, CPC is a the owner of Healing Hearts Counseling. She offers telehealth therapy sessions in Maryland, Nevada and South Carolina. If you’re struggling with anxiety, OCD and trauma, she is available for appointment.